


use me up

by tennou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Ghosts, Implied Reincarnation, M/M, Masturbation, erwins ghost helps him get off, suicidal thoughts/mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1432876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tennou/pseuds/tennou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin's dead but not gone, exactly. As in he's a ghost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	use me up

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be lighthearted and funny? I don't know what went wrong. There are still some elements of it, I guess, but yeah. Also thanks to [amander](http://fractalbright.tumblr.com/) for the idea for this fic (even though it was supposed to be FUNNY) ALSO: trigger warnings for death, suicidal thoughts, and depression! If you're cool to read, I hope you like it!

“ _I want to be all used up when I die._ ”

_George Bernard Shaw_

 ---

When Erwin died, nobody knew how Levi would react.

Would it be with his usual stoicism, refusing to give indication of any emotion at all? Or perhaps a quiet cry at the cremation, hunched in grief yet still proud? Would he break down and drop to his knees, sobbing his agony away?

Though the people in attendance of Erwin’s service all genuinely loved and grieved for Erwin, there were some that were just as curious about how the raven-haired man would show his grief.

Curiosities went unsated, however, because the day of the funeral came and went, and Levi never showed up.

\--------

“I missed your fucking funeral.”

Levi was huddled against himself in the bathtub, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees as though they would shield him from all the sorrows that the world could possibly throw at him.

Erwin sighed. “That you did.”

A new wave of tears flooded down his cheeks and he barely wrenched back a sob.

“Are you mad?” he asked.

Erwin shook his head.

“I’m not mad.”

“Fuck you,” Levi spat, the tears sorely evident in his voice. “You should be. I missed your funeral. Your own damn husband missed your goddamn funeral.”

“I know.”

“So why aren’t you pissed off? You fucking piece of shit.”

The usual sharp edge of his words was dulled by the slight tremble in his voice, raw from crying all night.

It hadn’t even been a remarkable death. Erwin was on his way home from the supermarket, idling at a red light when some drunken shitheads drove their car right through the driver’s side. He’d been dead on-impact. The drivers got off fine, though. Minimal injuries, spectacularly enough. Though, Levi supposed, that was just the way things go.

He felt a familiar pang of grief shoot through his chest.

It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to happen again. Losing him once had been more than enough.

“Don’t you think you should get out of the bathtub, now?” Erwin asked. Levi glared at him, a look made more potent with his puffy, bloodshot eyes and red nose.

“Don’t you think you shouldn’t have died?”

Erwin sighed again.

“I said I was sorry.”

\--------

Levi eventually did manage to drag himself out of his fetal position long enough to shower, change his clothes, try and keep some food down. He could only handle a glass of orange juice and a handful of saltines before he felt like puking again.

“You need to eat, Levi,” Erwin said from his place on the countertop. He’d folded his legs beneath him like he was doing fucking yoga or something, his arms resting loosely against his knees.

“I know that,” Levi snapped, glaring at the box of cereal in his hands. “It won’t stay down. Probably a side-effect of you dying on me out of the blue.”

“I already died, Levi. What are you trying to accomplish by making me feel guiltier about it than I already am?”

Levi’s fingers were shaking so he set the box back on the counter and gripped the edges of the counter.

“You just have this really bad habit of dying and leaving me all alone whenever I need you most.”

Levi couldn’t see Erwin’s face but he knew it was probably solemn and downcast. It was always the same whenever Levi brought up the past.

“You need me most right now?” he asked him.

Levi swallowed. “I always need you the most.”

He could hear the break in Erwin’s voice when he called his name again and he felt a little guilty that he’d been the one to cause it, but he was _angry_ goddammit. Angry at Erwin for dying when the car hit him and the drunk drivers who’d murdered him for not having the sense to take a fucking taxi home and angry at the world in general, for always ripping the things he loved most from his grip.

“I’m not going to try and starve myself, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he said, trying to direct the conversation back to something the two of them could actually handle.

“I wasn’t worried about that.”

Levi twisted around to look his infuriating late husband in the eyes. “And why is that?”

Erwin was looking down at his hands, curling them together in his lap. “Starving is such a messy way to go, and it would take a while, too. I’d think that you’d want your death swift and clean, Levi.”

Levi shoved the cereal box across the counter.   

\--------

“I’m glad that you’re feeling well enough to start cleaning again, Levi, but do you really have to throw so much stuff out?” Erwin asked, worriedly following Levi around as he relocated pile after pile of old clothes and belongings. Levi ignored Erwin and tossed another one of Erwin’s dirty old socks on top of the pile.

He needed to clean. He needed to gather all the clutter and get rid of it, get it out of the house and out of sight. He’d been wallowing in his own misery for nearly two weeks and things had already begun to take a turn for the worst, with mile-high stacks of dirty dishes and old, wrinkled clothing strewn around his room and half-eaten meals cast haphazardly about the house. He felt dirty and disgusting and he needed the house to be _clean_. Then maybe he could focus on the mess of feelings stewing inside him too.

“Wait,” Erwin said, standing (floating?) in front of Levi. Levi finally looked up, a deep frown etched into his brow.

“What is it?”

Erwin pointed to the thing in Levi’s hand. He looked down and saw he was clutching a bright orange fleece sweater. He held it up in front of him at arms-length to see a small white dog appliqued to the front of it.

“What is this monstrosity, Erwin.”

“That is my favorite sweater, Levi.”

Now that Levi thought about it, he did remember him wearing the sweater a lot. He’d always thought it was ridiculous.

“This is that ugly thing you were always wearing around the house.”

“Yes it is.”

Levi arched an eyebrow. “All the more reason to throw it out.”

Erwin’s mouth fell open. “Don’t you think you’re being too hasty, Levi? That was my _favorite sweater_.”

“Well what are you going to do with it now, huh?” Levi asked, his voice coming out sharper than he’d meant it to. He felt something building inside him and he couldn’t stop it as it came tumbling past his lips.

“You going to take it with you into the afterlife or whatever? Do you want me to burn it so it’ll die and then you can wear the damn thing while you float around like a fucking ghost?” Levi was suddenly breathing hard and he felt the urge to clean leave him as quick as it’d come.

He dropped to his knees, still clutching the ugly sweater to his chest. His breath was coming in shorter bursts and he had to close his eyes and focus only on that, only on breathing normally again and not on the way the room was spinning or the way he felt like clawing the skin apart from his body. He was definitely _not_ okay. He heard Erwin’s voice cut through his breakdown.

“Levi, Levi, it’s okay, it’s alright. You can throw it away, alright? You can throw everything away. The only thing that matters is you. I only care about you. The rest doesn’t matter.”

Levi felt the burn of tears at the backs of his eyes because whenever Erwin used to comfort him he would always envelop him in his arms and press him against his chest and make him feel safe and warm, and he knew that he wouldn’t feel that anymore.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi didn’t know if he was sorry about the sweater or if he was sorry for dying. At that moment, they felt like the same thing. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m fine,” Levi said as a tear fell and soaked into the worn material of the sweater he still held in his hands. He buried his face in the sweater, drinking in Erwin’s scent. “I just…need a minute.”

\--------

“Why are you here?” Levi asked one night, curled on the couch as he watched a rerun of some crime-fighting detective show that Erwin liked. Erwin reluctantly tore his eyes away from the TV screen and raised his brows at Levi, questioning.

“Here, as in, not-dead,” Levi elaborated, his gaze still trained on the two detectives bumbling about on-screen. “Neither of my parents came back as ghosts—or whatever you are—after they died. So why are you here?”

Erwin didn’t say anything for a few moments, staying silent long enough that Levi flicked his gaze toward him.

“Are you even real?” he asked quietly, though he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“I’m real,” Erwin assured.

Levi said nothing, continued waiting for an explanation.

Erwin kept his gaze on Levi as he spoke, “Apparently, after I die, I get 40 extra days to stay here and take care of any unfinished business I might have. I have to do it as a ghost, of course, or an apparition, or whatever this current state of mine is.”

“Forty days?” Levi frowned. “That’s oddly specific,” he grumbled. “How much time do we have left together?”

Erwin’s face revealed nothing as he said, “A little less than four weeks.”

Levi nodded, tried not to think about what would happen to him after those four weeks were up.

“And what’s your unfinished business, then?” he asked, finally meeting Erwin’s gaze. He wondered if the warmth he found there was even possible of someone who’d already died.

Erwin smiled at him. “You are, Levi.”

\--------

Levi lied on his bed, wide-awake for the third night in a row. It was three am, and he couldn’t sleep. He’d taken to staring at Erwin’s intangible form lying next to him, trying to savor these few weeks he had left with him.

“This is kind of weird, Levi.”

Levi frowned at his husband. “What is?”

“You’re just staring at me,” Erwin said. He reached up to brush the hair from Levi’s face and sighed when his fingers went right through him. “At least say something.”

Levi didn’t have much to say, so he blurted the first thing that came to mind. “I’m horny,” he said. Erwin’s eyes widened. “But you obviously can’t help me with that, so I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“Is your creepy staring a punishment for your sexual frustration?”

Levi shrugged. “You can think of it like that.”

Levi shifted as Erwin’s gaze turned calculating. He was a little worried about what he could possibly be thinking about at that moment.

“Touch yourself for me, Levi.”

Levi’s eyes widened and then narrowed. “You want to watch me jack off? Are you that perverted even in death?”

“Not watch you, Levi,” Erwin said, his voice dropping to the low, gravelly tone he used whenever he was about to make Levi unable to sit properly for a week afterward. “ _Help_ you.”

“Fuck,” Levi muttered. Despite his initial hesitation he found himself reaching into the loose material of his sweats and wrapping his hand around his own cock. “Okay, fine. Help me jack off.”

Erwin’s lips curled up in a way that made Levi wonder how he’d managed to stave off masturbating for so long.

“Stroke yourself, Levi,” Erwin whispered, his gaze hot as he stared Levi in the eyes. “Wrap your hand tight around your own length and jerk yourself off.”

“I didn’t need you to tell me that,” Levi mumbled as he did what he was told. He’d obviously been very frustrated in the past few weeks because he could already feel himself growing harder in his own grip. He passed his thumb over the head and let out a small moan at the sensation, rubbing the pad of his finger in the slit.

“Lift your shirt,” Erwin told him. Levi glanced up at Erwin, still watching him with that intense gaze, and did as he said, fisting the material of his T-shirt in his free hand and bunching it up as high as it’d go. He felt his nipples harden at the rush of cool air that swept his newly-exposed skin and bit his lip.

Erwin ran his tongue over his bottom lip and Levi felt a shiver shoot through his body, imagining the tongue on him, between his own lips, on his skin.

“Trail your hand up to your chest,” Erwin murmured. Levi’s fingers moved up his abdomen. “Roll your nipples between your fingers. They’re already so pert aren’t they?”

“Shut up.”

Levi sucked in a breath as his fingers played across his sensitive buds; he felt the wetness of precum drip into his hand as he pinched and rolled them between his fingers as Erwin said, stifling a moan at the sensation.

“If I could, I’d take those baggy sweats right off your hips, Levi,” Erwin whispered. Levi could almost feel Erwin’s lips at his ear and wondered if it was possible to experience something like phantom limb when you lost someone you loved.

“And then I’d take your pretty little cock, all pink and dripping, and clean you right up, Levi. Lick all over your cock and balls, take you into my mouth—you’d like my mouth, wouldn’t you Levi?” Levi bucked his hips upward in response, barely restraining a moan.

“I’d let you in to the hilt,” Erwin said as Levi’s hand moved faster and faster up his shaft,  his movements slicked by the precum sliding down his length. “Swirl my tongue around the tip, suck you hard until you were sobbing from the pressure, until you were trembling and whimpering and begging me to let you spill your release down my throat.”

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi breathed. He was edging close to his limit, he could feel it, and he knew Erwin knew it too.

Levi could hear the satisfaction in his voice as he said, “Go ahead and cum, Levi. I’d swallow it all and keep pumping you for every last drop, until you’re so fucked out you can’t even remember your own name.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Levi’s breath hitched and his jutted hips up as he came messily over his hand, soiling his pajamas. He fell back against the bed, trying to return his breathing to normal and ignore the self-satisfied look on Erwin’s face.

“I just jacked off to a ghost,” he said between breaths. “A fucking ghost.”

“You were frustrated. I’m sure we’ve done stranger things in the past.”

Levi glared, but stayed silent because it was probably true.

\--------

“A ghost, huh?” Hanji idly swirled the remaining ice in their drink as they considered it. Levi bit back a retort telling them to hurry up and respond.

He hadn’t known who else to turn to. Anyone else would’ve immediately chalked up his seeing Erwin to some kind of depressive episode or hallucination, and that _might’ve_ been the case, but he wanted to have somebody else to talk to before he sought professional help; someone who would be open enough to entertain the idea of a ghost but also grounded enough in logic and sense that they’d tell Levi straight up if he needed help.

He hadn’t been sure about seeking help about it, but masturbating to the memory of your dead husband seemed just iffy enough to ask.

“Do you think I’m going crazy?”

Hanji shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Levi scowled. “You’re a doctor, aren’t you? Diagnose me,” he demanded. Hanji raised an eyebrow with an amused smile.

“I’m a doctor in biochemistry, Levi. I don’t know shit about psychological problems. But I can still give you my opinion, if you want it,” they said with a grin.

Levi sat back in his chair and exhaled, frustrated. “Go ahead,” he said.

Hanji leaned forward, pushing aside their drink in order to lean their elbows on the surface of the table in a contemplative pose before speaking.

“Erwin said he’d disappear after 40 days, correct?”

Levi nodded.

“And he’s not telling you to do self-destructive things, like drive off a cliff or down a bottle of Clorox?”

It was the opposite, actually. Erwin was still taking care of him, making sure he survived, like he always had. He quickly pushed those thoughts from his mind before he could feel the throb of the perpetual ache of longing that had settled in his chest after Erwin’s death.

He shook his head.

“So I don’t see what the problem is,” Hanji said. “He’s not harming you and he’s not really interfering with your life. Not to mention the fact that he said he’d leave after 40 days.”

“What’s your point?”

Hanji readjusted their glasses. “Whatever this Erwin of yours is, a ghost or a hallucination, he’s going to disappear after 40 days. If he doesn’t, then come back to me and we’ll talk depression and possible side effects of grief. But until then,” Hanji leaned back in their seat with another shrug. “Just enjoy the time you have left with him.”

Levi stared down at his own cup.

“You actually make some sense for once, four-eyes.”

\--------

Savor the time he had left. Savor it.

If only he knew _how_.

Levi tried going about his days as he had before the accident, feigning an attempt at normalcy with Erwin’s ghost watching over his shoulder. He could feel his eyes at his back as he folded the laundry (half a load less than he used to do).

He liked having Erwin there. He liked having his presence with him, he liked knowing Erwin was watching over him. How could he possibly give this up?

“What am I going to do?” Levi asked, still folding the clothes.

“About what?” Erwin asked, though they both knew what he was referring to.

Levi paused in his work, gently setting the shirt in his hands down on the tabletop. “Erwin,” he said, his voice quiet. He just barely kept the tremble out of his voice when he said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” He kept his tone matter-of-fact, unable to put on a display of dramatics even in this miserable time. He _couldn’t_. If he did he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from falling deeper into the pit of despair he’d made for himself and he couldn’t allow himself to do that.

Erwin’s silence filled the room and Levi didn’t turn until he felt Erwin’s presence beside him. He looked up at his face.

Erwin raised a hand, ghosting over Levi’s cheek. He leaned down and brushed his lips against Levi’s and Levi closed his eyes and kissed the pair of phantom lips back, pretending he could feel something when he felt nothing.

And then a few days after, Erwin left.

\--------

He didn’t cry. He’d cried enough when Erwin died the first time. He wasn’t devoid of emotion, either; he was just tired. He felt empty.

“Fucking bastard,” Levi said softly. He lingered for a moment at the edge of the river where they’d spread his ashes, but there was nothing for him there, so he left.  

He knew Erwin had done his part, finished his business. He didn’t think he’d ever be okay with his death, ever get over it, but the 40 days with him after he’d already passed meant the world to Levi.

He understood now that Erwin’s presence would always be with him and that Erwin would watch over him like he always had. Levi could find solace in that fact, keep himself going with that knowledge. Until the day he died.

Until they met again.

**Author's Note:**

> [dokushoujo](http://dokushoujo.tumblr.com/)


End file.
